I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
