Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
