Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
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Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
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I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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