I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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