I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
