She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
