I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
