I have demons in me.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
