the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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