you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
