We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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