I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
