wake up i wanna do it froggy style
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
