so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
