So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
should my penis look like a turkey
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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