I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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