Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
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like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
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I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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