i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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