I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
