Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
