I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
