Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
