I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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