if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
