everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
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According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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