you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
