i wish there were pregnant emoticons
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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