if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
