she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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