i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
