You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
