hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
