I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
