I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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