all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
