if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
