I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
