Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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