I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
