just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
