Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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