Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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