Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
