Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
