I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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