new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
