Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
