I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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