Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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