how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
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Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
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You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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