i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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