i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
