I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
