$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
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He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
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We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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