I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
