I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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