i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
